blue jean baby
LA lady
married a music man

hold me closer, tiny dancer


It's a curious thing, being bored with one's life.
Needless to say, it drastically decreases the overall enjoyment level that comes from everyday things. I suspect this unfortunate plummet in happiness is due to the blatantly obvious notion that continuously slaps you in the face: you wish your life was something other than what it is. Even if the specifics of this great alter-ego life fraught with whirl-wind adventures and fairy tale romances and exotic travels have yet to intertwine themselves and make peace enough to form a comprehensive, black-and-white plan1 you wish to achieve, the simple longing for the feeling one equates with their dream life lingers on; incessantly snapping its fingers in front of your face as if to make sure you're still listening to its long, ever-evasive story. And listen, I shall. But then such an act triggers the question: would anyone listen to my life ? More so, have i a life story worth telling? Sure, you can hear my life whisper here and there from the small, mundane things that occur in my life and for some reason or another graze the edge of yours. But that's hearing. And regardless of what it may seem (or what some thesaurus might wish to tell you): hearing and listening are not, and never will be, the same or equal in any way.

Hearing is something that occurs regardless of your heart's engagement in what is being heard. It's even been proven (echoic "listening") that you can pay zero attention to what your being told, yet be able to recount exactly what they've just said simply because you heard it. 2 Good? Yes. Without it, the number of bored-to-death-by-terminally-monotonous-speakers cases would rise exponentially. Bad? Well, what do you think? - "Are you even really listening to me?" "Wha...Yes! of course!....I heard you." Yes. Yes, I'll bet you heard me. Technically your ear registered the sound3 and transmitted it to your brain as words, so therefore, absolutely, you heard me. But if you honestly think that the entire purpose of my talking to you was so that you can repeat exactly what I've said (curse you, echoic "listening") to prove your "comprehension" of whatever it was I was trying to convey linguistically to you, well, then i guess you haven't ever listened to me at all, have you.

I think maybe that's part of it all. There are times at which we talk to people purely for the sake of talking: "Hi..." 'Hi..." Or, its because we love the people: "Why yes, Nana, I WAS aware that we're the only country not to use the metric system....yes i know that's rather stupid...yes, it is neat that Europe uses it...oh. of course. i'd love to sit here and listen4 to you tag-team lecture me with Ed." Maybe it's because, it's the right thing to do: "Hey, do you wanna talk about it? No, its fine. You can tell me anything." Others, its because we're surrounded by people: "Hi. welcome. thanks for coming. nice to see you." And sometimes, its because we feel completely alone.

But you could talk for years on end5, spill out your heart to someone, gush all of your un-realized hopes and dreams, and speak the kind of words that make it hard to look at yourself while they slip out from where they'd been tied down deep in your heart, and if no one ever really listened, well, then that would just reinforce that nagging belief that you are not worth telling.

To clarify, listening does not necessarily entail constant interjections of "oh!" and "I'm so sorry" and "I tooooootally get that!" and certainly not "and how does that make you feel?" Advice is something that cannot be tied to listening, but instead can be solicited after the simple act of listening has occurred. Sometimes advice is the last thing we want. Sometimes, regardless of its intention and regardless of who or where it comes from, it will always be heard as "i told you so". Quite frankly, I would venture to say that many times when we think we seek advice, all we really want is a place to dump our words. And i think this is often underestimated, most likely due to the constantly overlooked fact6 that sometimes our words are our heart in conveyable form.

So the next time someone asks you to listen, don't just hear. If someone is willing to temporarily lead you to the place where their deepest, tied down thoughts and feelings reside, bear in mind that they might not really just want your advice on something, but instead be attempting to transmit their heart to you in verbal form. I guess that's what i try to think of when find myself so often sitting here, existing within a pattern of staring off longingly and being shaken from my reverie by the snapping of that damn elusive other life's fingers. So yes, while i sit here, just wishing that i had someone to talk7 to who might actually care enough to listen, i try to think of all the other people in the world who I'm sure have something they'd like to talk8 about, too, and yet it seems that there's no one who really wants me to listen. And no, i don't count the myriads of random individuals who i barely know that chose to impart to me their life stories within the hour or so that I am in contact with them.9 But i digress: there is truly something to be said for having people want to have you listen to them. And this, i fear, cannot very well be said of me with any manner of gusto whatsoever. Ergo, another tally on the ol' self-esteem chart.10

I think I'll go down to dinner now. They've been calling me for a while, but I've been hearing, not listening. i suspect then i'll have to talk11 with them for a fair amount of time. And when gaps between conversations in which i am engaged occur; when i say nothing down at that table, and my heart silently longs to speak words i have not even fully discovered myself, i doubt rather highly that anyone will hear me.




lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today


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1 actually, this is ironic because i really hope mine is rather colorful
2 true.
3 curses. its actually called echoic memory. dang it. info on echoic memory (scientifically speaking) can be found here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echoic_memory and yes, i know wikipedia is not reliable, but all the other info page were written in medical jargon
4 actually, in that case i was hearing
5 not something i endorse
6 fact, per se
7 the alone kind of talking
8 also the alone kind of talking
9 true. my sister and i have a sign around our necks that reads (in large, flashing letters): "Please, tell me your life story". but that entails bunches of other stories for another time
10 admittedly, this chart has a disheartening lack of real tallies
11 the "we're related to you, so you have no choice" kind of talking