PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT:

BRAIN MONOPOLIZATION SYNDROME ON THE RISE

"only YOU can prevent loss of individual thought"

"if you continue to form your opinions based off of stupid sterotypical views without thinking for yourself, then i shall beat you over the head with this shovel."

The threat of brain monopolization syndrome (b.m.s for short) is one that all too often goes unnoticed. and therein lies the true power of this ominous force: the lack of awareness is overwhelming. i venture to say an underground epidemic ravages the population whilst the world ambles on, blissfully unaware of their own impending doom. But i will be blunt for the sake of those affected1 : the process has already begun.

if you're in high school, i regret to inform you that your risk level is exponentially heightened in comparison with that of the rest of the herd.2 My condolences. However, i am glad to report that after many close encounters with this dread weapon of mass destruction3, i have come to the conclusion that this sword of seemingly inexorable annihilation, actually has a double edge. let the various methods of jubilant celebration ensue.4

brain monopolization is a tricameral term. The 1st: 'brain', (noun) which is defined as: that grayish5 squishy thing contained within the confines of your skull that you're supposed to put into use as opposed to the more popular act of catalyzing its slow yet persistent demise by neglect and rot5.5 and various other poor choices.6/6.5

(this, but without the pretty colors. and the labels.)

"Helllllppp meeeee!" please. don't let your brain's desperate pleas fall on deaf ears. stop watching the hills. and the bachelor. and usc football.

The 2nd: "monopolization", (verb) defined as follows: 7 (verb) to obtain exclusive possession of; keep entirely to oneself

(not this)

and the 3rd "syndrome": (noun) a group of symptoms that together are characteristic of a specific disorder, disease, or the like. 7.5

(or this)

When the three combine, they form the evil beast that stalks the halls of any natural habitat of their prey, ranging from academic institutions, to the deep caverns of shopping malls,to the exalted inner sanctums of homes where the worship of the television takes place. If you think you are exempt from this vicious threat, you're probably already its victim. 8 Sorry to have had to break that to you. I know, i know. it hurts. be strong.

But now some dialogue may be taking place in your minds, possibly somewhere along the lines of this: You: "but steph, you said this was a double edge sword, which i presumed meant you had good news. yet all you've done is outlined its awful nature and reminded me of my inevitable destruction at the hands of such a fiendish force. thanks for pulverizing my hopes and dreams" Me: "I'm getting there. patience is a virtue. one must know the nature of what they face before one may counteract its vile forces." you: "don't patronize me, Mr. miyagi wanna be." Me: "touche"

the likeness is uncanny.

As previously alluded to, there IS hope. To counteract the negative effects that b.m.s has on you, there is a simple yet difficult solution: do. something. intelligent. What does that entail, exactly? Well, at the moment, for myself, it means: go to bed so that the attractive cough I've successfully commandeered after playing lacrosse for hours on end yesterday9 goes away.

my apologies. I'll elucidate10 at a later time. but as for now, just remember:

friends don't let friends get their brains monopolized

_ _ _

1. thats everyone. but in particular, im looking at YOU, high schoolers. (except for maybe like, danielle. cause we made a pact. ha.)
2. the more you think about it, the more accurate that description becomes.
3. b.m.s=potentially devastating weapon of war. seriously. ..kind of.
4. if you can't read it, the key for the touchdown celebration methods is as follows" a) the victorious spike, b) the flying chest bump, c) the slam dunk, d) the leap of death, e) the TD teeter-totter, and f) the mythical base jump. real graphic from a real shirt. that i really own.
5. okay, so sometimes its shown as pinkish. don't ask me which is accurate, because for obvious reasons, i don't know.
5.5. I'm looking at YOU, reality TV addicts.
6. ex: putzing on facebook for extended periods of time instead of doing megaunit flashcards
6.5 okay so the dictionary might define 'brain' slightly differently.
7. went with the dictionary's definition this time. be honest. you liked mine better.
7.5. again, dictionary. bahhumbug.
8. if you're reading this, it means you were probably on facebook or myspace or at the very least your computer, thus proving that the process has indeed begun. sorry, pal.
9. who loves tournaments in awful heat?? i do!! :P
10. if you know what that word means, point for you. if you know what disney movie song that word is in, you're an idol. or just hang out with me too much.

p.s veigh redwine: if snails* made a noise, you'd be making that noise right now.

*insert name of other slow animal here